A short apology to Lib Dem Voice

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Averse to the Right apologises
For ignoring Obama, and war in Goma:
The launch of the site has been delayed
By the path of Hurricane Paloma!

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Staying with my in-laws in the Cayman Islands, we had a rather close call with the record-breaking storm, Hurricane Paloma. The satellite pics looked scary, but Paloma took a last minute turn to the right (or left, if you were looking up at it!), and in the end, after an anxious few hours, there was very little damage near us (just off South Sound Road, Grand Cayman). If it had gone west of the island, the anti-clockwise rotation of the hurricane might have brought us a hefty southerly wind, driving in a storm surge. This could have spelled trouble, as we were in a ground floor apartment 100 yards from the sea..... As it was, we got northerly winds because it passed east of us.

Cayman Brac and Little Cayman were nearer to the path of the storm and were badly affected, as was Cuba. But the worst thing for us – apart from a day or two indoors without water and electricity - was the apparantly permanent loss of the wireless internet connection.

This meant that I decided to wait till we got back to the UK to launch this site properly. Thanks to Lib Dem Voice for their help in this, and I feel fortunate to be able to apologise to them for the delay.... Personally speaking, it was certainly the closest call I have ever had with the Power of Mother Nature.

However, the weather was quite nice for the rest of our holiday! And I gather that my in-laws are moving to Abu Dhabi early next year....

Georgie Osborne's Pudding and Pie

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Georgie Osborne’s pudding and pie's
Dished up by Rothschild’s serving guys;
But Georgie needs to buy the vote:
They visit Deripaska’s boat.

Feldman joins him to promote
‘A big donation’, quote-unquote.
Oleg’s passport isn’t right,
So Feldman flies the usual kite:
‘A firm he owns could hide the gift,
(And Georgie sees no need for thrift!)’

Georgie Osborne, sailing by,
Kissed the Rich but made them cry;
When the Rich write to ‘The Times’,
Georgie Osborne guiltless mimes…

Georgie Osborne’s pudding and pie’s
Served by the Rich; He scarce denies!

(But Machiavelli was also there,
And Georgie never got his share.)

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George Osborne, Conservative party Shadow Chancellor of the Exchequer, has already been criticised by opposition commentators over his response to the financial crisis. But it is his dealings with his (former?) sponsor, Bullingdon chum, and hedge fund tycoon Nat Rothschild, regarding a alleged donation sought from a Russian billionaire, Oleg Deripaska, which has really got the media talking about him. George has, of course, denied ever asking for money, but as one comment on The Times website put it: 'The Tories must think we were born yesterday!' Intriguingly, 'Machiavelli' was also there enjoying the pudding and pie on Deripaska's superyacht, and George's inept attempt to smear a Government (i.e. Labour) Minister and recent European Union Trade Commissioner by making public the Minister's dealings with the Russian has clearly angered Rothschild to the extent that he made public Osborne's attempts to get some Deripaska cash for the Tories, with the stern admonition that the donor community would prefer to keep such things private in future. (You bet they would! Otherwise we might as well just tax the rich properly and have public funding of political parties......) Andrew Feldman is the Chief Executive of the Conservative Party, and a key fundraiser for the party. But as far as the left is concerned, maybe it's all enough to make Martin Bell want to stand for Tatton again!

I know a man called Andrew Gilligan

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I know a man called Andrew Gilligan
Read that dossier and saw spin, again
Found a boffin who thought it thin-igan
Good old Andrew Gilligan.

Begin again:

I know a man called Andrew Gilligan
Exposed boffin’s wagging chin-igan,
Made one claim which proved too thin-igan
Poor old Andrew Gilligan

Begin again:

I know a man called Andrew Gilligan
He defied New Labour’s will again
Alastair Campbell made a din, again
Poor old Andrew Gilligan

Begin again:

I know a man called Andrew Gilligan
Hutton gave him quite a grill-igan
Made him swallow bitter pill-igan
Poor old Andrew Gilligan

Begin again:

I know a man called Andrew Gilligan
The government only seemed to win again
But the secret’s out, and’ll never be in again

Good old Andrew Gilligan!

On to pastures new, Mr Gilligan! Begin again!

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Andrew Gilligan was the BBC reporter who interviewd Government scientist Dr David Kelly about the Government dossier detailing the reasons for going to war with Iraq in 2003. He alleged that an unnamed member of the intelligence community (later revealed to be Kelly) had said that many intelligence officers were unhappy that the case for war had been 'sexed up', especially by the prominent inclusion of a flimsy claim that Iraq could launch weapons of mass destruction within 45 minutes. This so angered the Government - and especially Blair's media chief Alistair Campbell - that extreme pressure was exerted on the BBC to retract and on the MOD to discover the name of Gilligan's informant. Kelly denied saying exactly what Gilligan had reported, and later appeared to have committed suicide as a result of the pressure (though Norman Baker MP believes he was murdered). The Government asked Lord Brian Hutton to hold an inquiry. In a report seen by many as a whitewash, Hutton found that Gilligan had exaggerated, that the dossier had been approved by the head of the intelligence services, and Kelly had committed suicide. Gilligan was forced to resign from the BBC, though noted pointedly that journalists were being held to higher standards than for example, Government dossiers. Those BBC top brass who had defended him also resigned. No public inquest has ever been held into Dr Kelly's death. Mr Gilligan is unrelated to Michael Finnegan. I wrote the rhyme in 2004, when he resigned. But I noticed his name on the credits of a Dispatches programme trashing British Airways on Channel 4 the other day and, writing for the London Standard, he helped to scupper Ken Livingstone's chances of a third term as London Mayor, so clearly he is not unemployable, post-BBC.

Jack Straw - Man o' War

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Home Secretary

Daily Mail
Hear them wail
“We must force parents not to fail!”

Jack Straw
Hear him roar!
“Children must obey the law!”

Curfew passes?
Parent classes?
Legislation swiftly passes.

(Jack acquires rimless glasses)

Enter Willie

Willie Straw
Bought some draw
Tried to sell it at a pub door.

Will got caught
And it taught
His dad a lesson,
Of a sort.

(Or so we thought.)

Foreign Affairs

Jack promoted,
Cook demoted.
Hawkishness
Becomes full-throated.

Hans Blix
Finding nix.
Forget the carrots –
Jack’s for sticks!

Jack Straw
Man o’War!
Beats his chest
And calls for more.

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I wrote this rhyme at a time when I was becoming increasingly dismayed about the extent to which the Labour Government in the UK had been trying to act 'tougher than the Tories' on crime and defence. Jack Straw started political life as a rebellious lefty, but as a Labour Home Affairs spokesman and later Home Secretary (1997-2001) pandered to the Tory right wing newspapers on criminal justice issues (though his son, was only cautioned for Supplying Cannabis, an offence usually carrying a sentence of imprisonment). Later, as Foreign Secretary, he supported the Bush/Blair invasion of Iraq, despite the fact that the UN Commission led by Hans Blix found no weapons of mass destruction. Whilst Russia, Canada, France and Germany all recommended a continuation of diplomacy combined with a tough inspection regime, Straw played a key role in British Government efforts to justify the war to the British public and the international community even though, as John Kampfner has found, he had urged Tony Blair not to send British Forces just ten days before the bombing started. It seems likely to me that the 'Man o'War' act was just that - an act for public consumption, concealing a rational objection to a reckless policy.

The sad story of Mr Cameron’s visit to South Norfolk

(and the subsequent effect on the politics of the District).

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Dave Cameron, Tory blue-eyed boy,
Came to Diss last year;
Condemned the Lib Dem Council,
And raised a Tory cheer.

The Tory central office
Did a co-ordinating stint:
Some glossy election leaflets;
Nice posters, blue-green tint.

‘Vote blue, go green’ they said
And we’ll tackle crime to boot.
They got a landslide victory
And kicked the Lib Dems oot.

Less than two years later
(The green tinge rather thinned)
The Tories have united ‘gainst
The monstrous power of wind.

Two turbine projects scuppered;
Another chased away;
‘No Windmills Here!’ (in Norfolk!)
‘They’ll just be in the way’.

So, what of their commitment
To fight anti-social crime?
Well, it might be better if
They kept themselves in line!

No fewer than three Councillors,
All Tories (one this week),
Have found themselves arrested,
And up before the beak.

One caught urinating,
In the grounds of A&E;
Content with mere drink-driving?
Perhaps he thought ‘Not me!’

One had his dog impounded;
(Perhaps not the canine’s fault?).
Got angry at the dog pound;
Now up for common assault.

The third (her name is ‘Stella’,
So we call her ‘Ms Artois’),
Is on probation since the coppers,
Found her blotto in her car.

Whilst half our parish councils
Have found themselves bereft,
Of District Council input
Since those nice Lib Dems have left.

And so you see the problem
That young Dave has foisted ‘pon us!
One can’t help thinking that he came
To Norfolk just to con us.

And when I want to tell him,
That his visit caused all this?
Methinks I’ll find that Cameron has
‘No plans to come to Diss.’!

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The three Tory Councillors identified in this rhyme were all Conservatives elected just after David Cameron's visit to Diss for the District Council elections in May 2007. They have all subsequently been up before the criminal courts in Norfolk. Their names are Keith Tilcock (district councillor for Starston, Pulham Market and Pulham St Mary), Jonathan Herbert (district councillor for Mulbarton, Bracon Ash, Hethel, Ketteringham, and Swardeston), and Stella Rice (district Councillor for Long Stratton, Hapton, Wacton and Tharston; and also County Councillor for those four parishes, plus Hempnall, Saxlingham Thorpe, Saxlingham Nethergate, Morningthorpe, Shelton, Shotesham, and Tasburgh. She also had deputy responsibilty for Norfolk Social Services at the time of her offence). Click the links for details of their offences. Both Tilcock and Rice were both swiftly allowed to continue as Tory Councillors. Herbert is awaiting trial, according to the hard-copy Diss Mercury (which, alas, does not have this story online at present). But when all is said and done, no wonder a whopping 76% of visitors to the website of the Diss Express (South Norfolk's other local paper) do not want Cameron to be the next PM. (You have to use the blue arrow at the end of this week's question to find the Cameron one - about three questions ago at the time of writing.)

Update: Cllr Herbert was convicted of two counts of Common Assault at Norwich Magistrates' Court on 3 November 2008.

When Wall Street Sneezes The Whole World Catches Cold

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Ben Bernanke lost his hanky,

Henry Paulson found it.

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Seven Hundred Billion Dollars,

Needed to get Round it.

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The alliterative name of the Chaiman of the US Federal Reserve, who became famous during the financial crisis in Sepetember 2008, gave me the idea for this simple rhyme, based on Lucy Locket. The Kitty Fisher role goes to Henry Paulson, the Republican Treasury Secretary (appointed by George W Bush) who came up with a so-called 'rescue package' costing $700,000,000,000. With a ribbon round it, I hope.

Oh, Shirley Porter!

Oh, Shirley Porter!

(or The Loyal Conservative's Lament)

Oh, Shirley Porter!
Whatever shall I do?
I used to vote Conservative
But I don’t know what to do!

First there was Lord Archer,
With his perjury and lies;
Then there was a scandal
And he got four years inside.

Then there was Jon Aitken,
With his simple Sword of Truth;
He got sent to prison too!
(The Guardian had proof.)

Then we heard Dame Shirley
Thought twelve million paid her dues!
But she was surcharged thirty millions
(so Westminster Council lose).

And then that Euro MP?
Whose Norfolk home was fake?
Claimed thousands in expenses!
Are all Tories ‘on the make’?

And then dear Boris Johnson
Shadow Arts and Cause of Strife!
No wonder Bigley said to him:
‘Get out of public life!’

Oh, Shirley Porter
Whatever shall I do?
I used to vote Conservative,

Now…I…don’t…know…what…to…do.

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I wrote this verse around the time that Tesco heiress Dame Shirley Porter, the former Conservative leader of the London Borough of Westminster, paid £12million to settle her debt to that Council in 2004. She had been told by the District Auditor in 1996 (and subsequently the Law Lords in 2001) to pay almost £30million to the Council because of her illegal 'homes for votes' policy, whereby - among other crimes - she kept council homes empty in marginal Tory wards to improve the chances of the Tories retaining their slender majority at the 1990 elections. Including interest and other charges, she owed £44million by the time she paid up. Archer, Aitken, and 'that Euro MP' were fresh in my mind at the time, when Tory sleaze still dominated the headlines, and Boris Johnson was in the Shadow Cabinet, and annoying Liverpudlians including Paul Bigley. If you wish, you can of course sing the rhyme to the tune of the old music hall song, 'Oh, Mr Porter'!