Oh, Shirley Porter!

Oh, Shirley Porter!

(or The Loyal Conservative's Lament)

Oh, Shirley Porter!
Whatever shall I do?
I used to vote Conservative
But I don’t know what to do!

First there was Lord Archer,
With his perjury and lies;
Then there was a scandal
And he got four years inside.

Then there was Jon Aitken,
With his simple Sword of Truth;
He got sent to prison too!
(The Guardian had proof.)

Then we heard Dame Shirley
Thought twelve million paid her dues!
But she was surcharged thirty millions
(so Westminster Council lose).

And then that Euro MP?
Whose Norfolk home was fake?
Claimed thousands in expenses!
Are all Tories ‘on the make’?

And then dear Boris Johnson
Shadow Arts and Cause of Strife!
No wonder Bigley said to him:
‘Get out of public life!’

Oh, Shirley Porter
Whatever shall I do?
I used to vote Conservative,

Now…I…don’t…know…what…to…do.

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.

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I wrote this verse around the time that Tesco heiress Dame Shirley Porter, the former Conservative leader of the London Borough of Westminster, paid £12million to settle her debt to that Council in 2004. She had been told by the District Auditor in 1996 (and subsequently the Law Lords in 2001) to pay almost £30million to the Council because of her illegal 'homes for votes' policy, whereby - among other crimes - she kept council homes empty in marginal Tory wards to improve the chances of the Tories retaining their slender majority at the 1990 elections. Including interest and other charges, she owed £44million by the time she paid up. Archer, Aitken, and 'that Euro MP' were fresh in my mind at the time, when Tory sleaze still dominated the headlines, and Boris Johnson was in the Shadow Cabinet, and annoying Liverpudlians including Paul Bigley. If you wish, you can of course sing the rhyme to the tune of the old music hall song, 'Oh, Mr Porter'!